Why I believe that Winnie the Pooh is a bad influence on children...

I've had a theory that I like to sometimes share with people and I think given that this cartoon has a movie out, it's a good time to blog about my theory.

Winnie the Pooh teaches children about bad qualities to develop. Let me illustrate...

Winnie the Pooh himself: This bear teaches about gluttony and obsession. He continuosly gets his head stuck inside his jar of honey. He overindulges in it can often be found amoung many empty jars after binging on his "drug" of choice. This is supposed to be adorable? It isn't. As a child I remember being sometimes irritated at his stupidity.

Piglet: For real, this little creature is terrified of everything and constantly has people running to protect him. Yes, let's teach our children about insecurites and being afraid of every little shadow. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and blame my own fears on my unfortunate viewings of this children's show and Piglet's less than exemplary example.

Tigger: There are almost no words. This bouncy tiger was just plain obnoxious. Always in everyone's way. Bouncing around and creating havoc. I'm pretty sure he was on crack and/or speed. (Are those the same things?) Loud, hyper, and problematic. Mooching off the generosity of Kanga and Roo. He's the friend everyone has but tries to avoid at the same time.

Rabbit: I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea if the rabbit has a name or not. This creature was judgemental and rude and alienating. Even went so far as to barricade himself in his own home. Selfish and unwilling to share.

Owl: Also not sure on a name. I do remember that this owl was self righteous and pretended to be smarter than everyone else. Supposedly he could read but if anyone looked over his shoulder to read along you'd find that he couldn't in fact read. What a poser.

Kanga: The "mom" of the group. Fine, I have nothing bad to say about her. Except that she was a Tigger enabler.

Roo: So there was actually a study done on what kind of "person" Roo would grow up to become and it was found that he would be quite dysfunctional, especially since he had Tigger as his role model. So basically Roo was a follower and even went along with a scheme of Rabbit's to pretend that he had been kidnapped. What a little jerk.

Eeyore: I saved this guy for last. Really? This donkey was always losing his tail and resorted to self mutilation to keep it on. And that even failed. A depressed and self-loathing individual and constantly seeking words of affirmation from his friends. What a drain.

Then there's Christopher Robin. I don't remember enough about this character to really say anything so I'll talk instead about his namesake. Named after an actual little boy who grew up to be a real douche. Here is a quote he gave which makes me just wanna slap him around some, "It seemed to me almost that my father had got where he was by climbing on my infant shoulders, that he had filched from me my good name and left me nothing but empty fame".  That father gave you that name of yours and it has gone down in history (no matter how erroneously I believe it to be) as a favorite of children everywhere. I'm not sure where he gets off on saying his dad climbed on his infant shoulders. All you gave was your name, I mean, all your dad did was use the name he gave you. If that doesn't convince you that the real Christopher Robin is a bit of a douche maybe this will help. I got this from Wikipedia: "One of the poems, Vespers – which describes young Christoper Robin saying his evening prayers – was said by Christopher Milne as 'the one work that has brought me over the years more toe-curling, fist-clenching, lip-biting embarrassment than any other.'" Here is the said offensive poem:

Little Boy kneels at the foot of the bed,
Droops on the little hands little gold head.
Hush! Hush! Whisper who dares!
Christopher Robin is saying his prayers.

God bless Mummy. I know that's right.
Wasn't it fun in the bath to-night?
The cold's so cold, and the hot's so hot.
Oh! God bless Daddy - I quite forgot.

If I open my fingers a little bit more,
I can see Nanny's dressing-gown on the door.
It's a beautiful blue, but it hasn't a hood.
Oh! God bless Nanny and make her good.

Mine has a hood, and I lie in bed,
And pull the hood right over my head,
And I shut my eyes, and I curl up small,
And nobody knows that I'm there at all.

Oh! Thank you, God, for a lovely day.
And what was the other I had to say?
I said "Bless Daddy," so what can it be?
Oh! Now I remember it. God bless Me.

Little Boy kneels at the foot of the bed,
Droops on the little hands little gold head.
Hush! Hush! Whisper who dares!
Christopher Robin is saying his prayers.

I can think of a lot more embarrassing things than my father writing a sweet poem. Maybe I can see a little bit of embarrasment but, toe-curling, fist-clenching, lip-biting embarrassment? Maybe I'll blog about the things I've done and said that I would describe as that embarrassing, but not here.

Here's a picture of Mr. Christopher Robin Milne and his horrible and abusive father

                                                              

Anyway, I'm sure no one is convinced. And I'm sure that some of you will say to yourself, "Brianne, you yourself have some of the bad qualities you described." Sure I do, as do some of you. And I will forever attribute these obviously learned behaviors to a seemingly innocent cartoon. 

Thanks a whole lot Winnie the Pooh and Friends too.